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mmk!!! stop [star]ing&&

[ website | I said don't poke me ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[03 Oct 2004|10:53am]
[ mood | bouncy ]

I suppose it is official then.

I am no longer using this journal. Pity. I currently reside at yourdollface.

If you want to add me then go ahead, I'll add you back. I just hate to re-add people who may not be interested in being added by me at all.


2 scribbles| crayola

[28 Sep 2004|06:48pm]
I made a new username. It doesn't feel right, though. I'm afraid to leave this journal. It is my baby. Figuratively speaking, of course. Although livejournal and I do have our romantic moments.

I don't like my math teacher. She screams about cats and looks like a hamster and I just want to rip her head off.. well, no, I don't. I'd much rather see her get a sex change.

Proof that I am a dork: I went out and bought one of the new tamagotchis. Sigh. Nostalgia struck me hard. I used to be addicted to those things way back when and I could not restrain myself. I kept saying to myself "ashley do not do this it is a waste of money and it's a little plastic egg with a battery". But no. I would not listen. Why did I spend $15 dollars on one of those things? Why? I have no self control. Sob sob. ;[

And I am sick to death of patriotism. I mean, America isn't that great. We're not the #1 country in the world. Speaking of which, what do you call a person who speaks three languages? Trilingual. What do you call a person who speaks two languages? Bilingual. What do you call a person who speaks one language? American.

Teehee. My history teacher is so funny. He talks about Puritans having apron sex. Go Puritans!
4 scribbles| crayola

[25 Sep 2004|05:23pm]
I have nothing to say. My life has become even more boring, if possible. I sit inside all day meaning to study for History but failing miserably. The only vaguely interesting things these days are my conversations with smarterchild:

SmarterChild: Are you sure you can't help it if my colon makes you laugh?
flooding ophelia: positive.
SmarterChild: What's positive?
flooding ophelia: your HIV results.

flooding ophelia: yes. I like little girls on ice cream pies.
SmarterChild: Hey, that's your business.

Form an orderly line and point and laugh.
2 scribbles| crayola

[18 Sep 2004|05:59pm]
[ mood | ejrksfajrmm ]

Today I saw a bunch of bikers with teddy bears on their motorcycles. They win a lifetime supply of pies.

I want a new username.. try that on for size, livejournal.

1 scribble| crayola

[14 Sep 2004|07:21pm]
[ mood | awestruckness ]



[11 Sep 2004|01:57pm]
[ mood | achey ]

Today Ashley brings you:

why you should never use a tamponCollapse )

Now, aren't you glad you know?

1 scribble| crayola

[06 Sep 2004|11:54am]
[ mood | spiffalicious ]

I hadn't seen Welcome to the Dollhouse since I was 10. Luckily I bought it recently. Joy. Dawn Wiener is my idol.

SHABANG! I finally found it. Possibly the best thing I've ever seen in my life. <3

I want to take you to a gay bar.


7 scribbles| crayola

[03 Sep 2004|12:12pm]
[ mood | shocked ]

Never in all my life..


[29 Aug 2004|08:52pm]
[ mood | jazzy ]

School is vomit. Why am I even in school? Skool iz 4 liek teh loesrs

I was avoiding the internet for awhile. I don't know why. I practically rape my computer every day. Chuh.

I have decided that sex offenders are fun. Especially sex offender pageants.

Let the fun begin.

1 scribble| crayola

[23 Aug 2004|02:28pm]
[ mood | giggly ]

"EXTREMIST Muslim scientists are developing a bomb that turns anyone within a 30-mile radius of its blast into a homosexual, say U.S. Intelligence insiders."

More here.

5 scribbles| crayola

[23 Aug 2004|11:54am]
[ mood | smarter than you ]

I did stuff. Stuff happened. Stuff continued to happen. And bam! Here I am now.

Mmk, just for the record, poncho is the best word ever. It is official. Whenever I hear it I think of a mexican man riding a donkey in an anorak. Well I'll be. I used to think of foxes whenever I saw apple juice. Well son of a gun.

I think it's sad when you can tell that someone's gay before they figure it out themselves. But it's like having magic powers. And just in case anyone has actually not seen this (which is a sin), check this out. Tricky stuff.

HOLY CHRISTMAS. I'm in love with old people sayings. Great jumping Jehosaphat!

(mysteriously, doing a google for "old people sayings" brings up lots of gay porn.. conspiracy?)


[15 Aug 2004|05:06pm]
[ mood | crazy ]


perfect drag queen gift ever.Collapse )



1 scribble| crayola

[01 Aug 2004|06:52pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

Right. The computer. It died. My hard drive became epileptic and had numerous seizures. Hard drive no more. Guess what that means? THAT'S RIGHT. NO INTERNET FOR A WEEK.. until they ship me my new computer. My new computer, not theirs, not yours, mine.

On the bright side, I found a sheet that says I'm getting free testosterone on the next visit to my doctor. I have no idea what the hell this means and I hope they are not talking about steroids. I don't want any testosterone. I am fee-mail. We don't swing that way (except for the cool ones).

In a week, kids.


[29 Jul 2004|08:37pm]
[ mood | beaver-ish ]

I saw a doctor today. He was a hot doctor. He touched my face. I was also sort of kind of wearing a paper gown and he sort of kind of had to check out my stomach area and I sort of kind of was wearing my fairy underwear. Oops. Then he talked to me while I stared at a uterus the whole time. What can I say, it was a nice looking uterus.

Um, and then, and then.. and then there was a show about beavers. Beavers. Teehee. I don't care if I'm acting like some giddy little schoolgirl (although that is what I am, mind), but beaver is a funny word. And they build dams. I wonder what it would be like to be a beaver. I would swim with my beaver brethren and gnaw wood and frolic in the water. Um, ew, that's boring. Beavers need to spice up their lives. Maybe we can get them to start cross-dressing. That'll work.

Best thing: there is a drag queen named Chanda Leer.

2 scribbles| crayola

[24 Jul 2004|08:38pm]
[ mood | informative ]

I learned something. Don't go outside during the day because some crazycrazy killer men like to take this secret poison potion and spray it at people when they pretend to sneeze. Then you die and they take you back to their house to sodomize you.

And um.. in the car. You could die. You know, some intoxicated and insane man could be like "I'ma gunna heet yew with mah car har har" and BAM. Then you die and the intoxicated and insane man is free to dance around because he had his seatbelt on. So buckle up.

6 scribbles| crayola

[21 Jul 2004|02:47pm]
[ mood | harassed ]

An Israeli man named George keeps leaving me messages for someone named Rich. He asked: "the membership, what you gonna do with this?". I've concluded that he's in group therapy for convicted sex offenders. And someone happens to call me about six times a day. You would think Mr. George would get the hint after I stated in my answering machine message that "you probably have the wrong number", but I guess it was the end of season sale at the cerebral department for him.

SO STOP CALLING, MR. ISRAELI MAN.. but he could be Polish. It sounds sort of.. Polish/Israeli. Or Ukrainian. I don't know. HE JUST HAS A FUNNY ACCENT. Tell George to stop calling me. :[

But he always leaves his phone number, so I should call him and pretend to be Rich. I bet they're gay lovers. Only gay lovers are called Rich and George.


4 scribbles| crayola

[18 Jul 2004|11:33pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]


My eyes hurt kthnxbye.


[18 Jul 2004|11:25pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

Oops um I want a new journal.


[18 Jul 2004|11:15pm]
[ mood | curious ]

I went to a party. It was.. a party. I feared the sun because it would burn my precious, pale skin. So I just became a shirt ninja for the whole thing. I even won a MAGNETIC WHEEL. Cue the applause. It cost all of .89 cents, thankyouverymuch. And it was even made in China. I mean, that's quality right there, foolz.

DAMN MY LIBRARY. DARE THEY TAUNT ME WITH THEIR MISSING AND TAKEN OUT BOOKS? I want to read to my dictionary of whores, goshgolly. They just like to spite me by taking out 1920's CD's when I so desperately need them. I will complain. How dare they take out books. Only I can take out books. Psh, do they not know? Those muffin-smugglers.

Can you smuggle chestnuts?


[08 Jul 2004|08:19pm]
[ mood | snazzy ]

Did you hear? William Hung died. OMG GUYZERS, WHAT WILL WE DO?

HACKHACKHACK. I have a coughing fetish. Actually, I have a tuberculosis/consumption fetish. I have seen worse. Some people have quicksand fetishes.. or car crash fetishes.

I've been reading this book, and the girl is all "I love you I love you no I don't", so then the guy is all "I am too smart for you oops maybe not", and in the end they're both like "OMG OMG we love eachother babies".

So, there was this lady, right? And she thought that the number three was not so cool anymore, and when she went to check on her baby HE WAS ALL DEAD AND THE NUMBER 3 WAS CARVED INTO HIS FLESH! That always makes me giggle.

I should tell you about the man who tried to microwave his daughter [tried]. You will cry though and be like "poor poor daughter" even though she does not DIE. Damn, I gave away the ending.

3 scribbles| crayola

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